Words and Rhythm

a poem i wrote for english, titled ‘the casual hello’

Quite honestly, one of the hardest things

At least, according to me,

Is the enormous hassle you face everyday

Of acknowledging people you meet.

Now, you might not think it’s a big deal at all

But let me tell you, I know

It’s like opening a mysterious box or bottle,

And I call it “the casual hello.”

It happens when it’s just you and a stranger

Then, you feel exposed

(It’s much better when you’re in a crowd

You’ll feel much more alone.)

You decide to ‘cross the bridge when you come to it,’

And you pick at the beds of your nails,

But as you come closer—contiguous, conterminous

There’s no way you can bail

It’s just you and the stranger—if she’s awfully happy

You’re forced into chatting for hours

Or maybe she’ll ignore you and simply walk by

With a tired and irritated scowl

You’re unsure and awkward; your heartbeat speeds up

There’s no way out of it, though

You look up and blink—without pausing to think,

You quickly mutter, “Hello.”

Letters to Liv [4]

Liveroo!

                My God.  You look absolutely grotesque.  What have they done to you.

                The cerulean of your mask and the teal of your blankets? Don’t even get me going.  They have no style, honestly.  Can I sue them, please.

                Your face looks kind of disfigured too, I have to admit.  What you need is a bit of make-up.  Seriously, Jeremy can’t even look at you right now.  Sometimes he comes in and just walks straight out.  Other times he runs.

                He’s really weird.  Why did you have to pick him for a boyfriend? You know how I feel about his black greasy hair.  I know, I know, you say ‘mysterious.’  I say ‘disturbed.’  We can both agree that he’s a nice guy, though.  But I feel as though maybe he’s a bit emotional?

                Okay, so anyway, I’ve assessed the situation and I think you definitely need primer, foundation, blush, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipliner, lipgloss, and lipstick.  I’ll bring these things tomorrow and we’ll have a good day together.  You don’t have to do any of the talking.  I’ll tell you all the gossip, and you can just listen.

                I heard sometimes comatose people are actually AWARE of the situation around them? I’m going to test this.

                Drat.  You didn’t squeeze my hand back.

                Well, babe, I’m going to go sanitize and then bus home.  I’ll be back tomorrow.  Don’t move! Ha-ha.

Bailey

Hey, sorry.  I hope you don’t mind me posting my writing on here.  I don’t have too many followers so I don’t think it will clutter up anyone’s dash but I wanted to organize all my letters for this new book I’m writing, “Letters to Liv.”  I felt whimsical so I’m putting it on the internet.  There’s going to be a lot of it so you should quickly unfollow me if it’s going to bother you :)

Letters to Liv [3]

Livvy.

                The councellor told me to write you a letter beacuase it will help me share my feelings to you.  I don’t really know how to share my feelings to you beacuase I don’t know what my feelings even are.  But I can share a gummyworm with you so I’ve taped it to the bottom of this letter.

                I’ll tell you about school.  My BFF Ashley is bieing really mean.  She’s playing with Georgia now and not talking with me.  Sometimes when I walk by they laugh, and it makes me feel really sad.  Their both really good at soccor so they always play that and I stand by the side.  I’m not good at soccor beacuase my legs are really skinny and scrawny, says the other kids.  I think that’s true.

                Also, the other kids say I’m a wierdo with a wierd family but I don’t think that’s true at all.  Your not wierd.  Your the smartest person I ever knew.  You always got the letter A on your tests, and you had lots of friends.  You even had a boyfriend, Jeramy.  Jeramy and mom talk a lot now in hushed voices, and then sometimes Jeramy raises his voice and mom tells him to shut up and then they’re quiet again.

                Anyway, one time when Jeramy wasn’t there I was feeling sad and so I tride talking to mom about it but she didn’t listen really well.  She got kind of crazy.  She said “You feel sad because of THIS?” (If she was talking really LOUD I will use CAPETAL letters.)  She said “FUCK Ashley.  Don’t FUCKING listen to anything that CUNT says to you.”  I said “Okay.”  She said “Now go play in your room.”

                But that wasn’t very good advise beacuase I tride plugging my ears when Ashley talked and not listening, but I could still see her laughing and looking over at me sniadly.

                I wish you were here to tell me what to do.  I’m feeling really bad.

                Sometimes I cry myself to sleep like a baby.  That’s stupid because I’m eight years old, not a baby.

                Wake up soon, okay?

                My hand hurts now so good-bye.

Rosa

Letters to Liv [2]

Liv.

Fuck, where to start.

                They say “share your feelings” but I’m not sure if you’d want to know mine.  Maybe you’d be better off sleeping in peace, with your sunken cheekbones and tubes and shit going around you and not a care in the fucking world.  Yeah?

                No, I think I’m going to tell you anyway.

                I’m angry, Liv.  Fucking pissed.  I was there for you always, and I’d listen to you, and I was the best fucking boyfriend in the fucking universe, okay.  I was kind to you.  I held your hand.  You’d fall asleep on me when we were watching Grease and I’d have to endure the rest of the movie.  And I would.

                Do you know how many bloody times I had to listen to “We go together like rama-lama-lama-ke-ding-a-de-ding-a-dong”? Do you know that I’ve actually memorized all the words?

                Sometimes, when you were having a bad day, I’d make you chocolate cake and we’d eat it on the porch swing.  And it would be nice, with you there beside me, your hair blowing in the wind and the sweet silence while we ate.  The sun would wrap around our toes and we’d be genuinely happy.

                So what the fuck went wrong? And why didn’t you tell me?

                Liv, you’ve ruined me.  I can’t move, I can’t sleep, I can’t turn a corner without being reminded of you and something cute you’d said.  Like the other day, when I decided to buckle under and do some homework, and I was looking for a pencil, and then I found one and there were bite marks in it from that time you had to write your essay and you were so stressed you came sobbing over to my house and I helped you with it the entire night.  We stayed up till four a.m. just talking about Canadian history.  Remember?

                Or did that mean absolutely nothing to you? And you decided you’d just leave me in the dark, with no understanding, no warning?

                Liv?

Fuck you.

Jeremy

Letters to Liv [1]

Livana,

Wow.  I’m really not sure how to start this.

                I love you. 

There, that’s something.  You should always know that, first of all.  I think you might have forgotten it, actually, so I’d like to remind you again.

What else?

                I miss you. 

There’s the biggest understatement of the year.

Liv, I miss you with every ounce of my being and I cannot wait for you to come home.  Not even that, but just… for you to be conscious again.  To go back to how you were.

                Remember how we used to go to the beach and build sandcastles? And you’d drip your sticky popsicle all over the sand? And remember that time when we saw that beached squid, and you rescued it and dug it a grave and all? And then made a shrine in its honour? You named it Squiddy, and that’s unoriginal, but Livana, you were the sweetest child in the whole world.  You are the sweetest child in the whole world.  With the kindest heart.

                For fuck’s sake, just move.  Just twitch an eyelid or, I don’t care, lift a pinky finger.  Those tiny hands that I used to hold look so frail and drained now.  Like without your musical laugh and sea-blue eyes to look upon them they’re nothing.

                I’m sorry, but I’m crying now and the nurse is telling me to put the pen down.  So I have to go.  I have so much to say though, and maybe next week I’ll feel stronger and tell you more.

                I honestly don’t need to know anything from your end.  Trust me.  You owe me nothing.  This was my fault.  I should have been better, Liv, and maybe I should have told you that I loved you more.  Maybe I should have been a better mother and bought you that prom dress you wanted and not gone to work so much and asked you about your day more and—

                She’s making me go, Liv.  I’m sorry.  She’s a bitch nurse from hell and she’s pulling on my arm.

                I love you.  So much.

Your mom

P.S., I’m sorry that I used profanities.

today was the WORST day (40 steps on why today sucked)

1. I get into Science, only to find out I got 20/23 on a Science test while the person who I was forced to work with and explain everything to and let copy my answers got 22/23.  We had the same answers.  I forgot to write down one formula before doing the work.  Probably because I was explaining the formula at length to the guy and pointing it out on his page, so I felt it unnecessary to re-write.

2. I tell the teacher this and she’s all, “Well I didn’t mark them, your old teacher did!” and I’m like, “Yes but my old teacher hated me with a passion.  Do you think you could look it over and change the mark?” Her: “Nope.”

3. This obnoxious kid in my class flings his test in front of my face and waves it around going, “HA HA, I GOT A BETTER MARK THAN YOU!” and giggling.  This is due to the fact that every other time I have gotten a better mark than him and probably the rest of the class as well.  Science to me is the most important subject out there and I want to do well.

4. I feel slightly relieved to leave that class and go walk to STARBUCKS with my gym class!!!!!! Yay for Starbucks-Walk-Day!

5. To be nice, I decide to chat with this girl who doesn’t have very many friends.  That backfired.  She walks in such a way that she is always a little bit in front of me and I have to keep twisting and turning to talk with anyone else, so that I end up always being stuck talking ONLY with her.  Then, when I’m talking with her, she loves to only talk about herself and also goats.  Oh, I have heard far far too much about these blasted goats.

6. So we get back, and I’m energized from my mocha frappuccino! And also relieved to be away from that girl and go to my locker!

7. I’m twisting my locker around.  Something slams onto the locker above.  It’s her, leaning against it, and going “HEY!”

8. She continues to follow me to my friend’s locker and also to the bathroom.  I try to escape the bathroom by saying, “Okay, now I’ve got to go, so bye!” and leaving her with my other unfortunate friend who was in the stall.  Ha.

9. I’m walking down the hall finally free.

10. Something grabs me by the shoulders and leaps onto my back.

11. Hello, there.

12. My other friends all catch up with me and us + annoying girl walk down the hallway toward the choir room.

13. As we’re walking, I see this guy who usually has glasses but isn’t wearing them.  “Whoa!” I say.  “You look SO different without your glasses!” The guy shrugs and passes on.

14. One of the girls with me shrieks about how AWKWARD that was and you don’t just SAY things to people, it was so WEIRD.

15. Annoyed with humanity, I lean against a railing.  Everyone else leans too, and we chat.

16. The last thing in the world I feel like doing is chatting.  A wave of exhaustion hits me out of nowhere and I just want to be alone.  “Ugh, I’m so tired, I wish I could just curl up and die,” I tell my friends.

17. Somehow, they still do not get the hint.  I say, “Welp, I’m gonna go this way now, so bye!” and begin walking the other way.

18. “Well,” shrugs one of my friends, “we have nothing else to do! Let’s go!” They begin to follow me.  I wouldn’t mind this if it weren’t for annoying jumpy girl being with them.

19. “No, REALLY.  You guys can stay! I’m just going to take a walk,” I plead, wanting to be alone with my space.  Don’t you have those moments where you just want to be alone with your space?

20. I start walking off, turning my back to them.  BAD IDEA.

21. Not only does she jump on me again but she latches onto my arm and yanks me backwards.  I hold my ground.  “Stop it,” I say harshly.

22. She does not stop it.  My friend intervenes and then she stops it.

23. I turn to everyone and say, “I’m sorry, I just really do not want to socialize right now,” which is nerdy to the EXTREME but it was how I felt at the time: hot, tired, angry, and my shoulder kind of hurt.

24. I apologize and walk off down the hall.

25. I burst into my English class, and my favourite teacher is there, and I exclaim, “I HATE PEOPLE.”

26. She agrees.  Teenagers these days are so self-centered and annoying.

27. A few more kids toddle into the class and are all, “How are you?” and I’m all, “RAAA.”

28. My favourite English teacher says to my actual English teacher (they were using the same room and she was just about to leave so he could start the class), loudly, “Watch out for Kayla today!” and then laughs.  “Usually she’s a bit prickly but today she’s downright unbearable!”

29. I try not to laugh and pretend to glare.

30. “Did you at least enjoy The Bachelorette last night?” she asks.  It’s an ongoing joke how she hates that show and I bother her about all the funny things that happen on it.  I shout, “No!” and she makes a scared face and runs out of the room.  Because if even The Bachelorette cannot make me happy nothing can.

31. I’m sitting there, waiting to begin writing my essay.

32. Some asshole in the back is clicking his pen.  And clicking it and clicking it.

33. I whirl around, mid-sentence of the teacher, and say, “Can you STOP clicking your PEN please.”  He laughs.  We’re pretty good friends so it wasn’t too awful.  I turn around.

34. Click.

35. I turn back around and make an annoyed motion with my hands, I can’t describe it, and say, “Seriously please I am in such a bad mood I cannot tolerate this right now.”

36. Click.

37. “I’m sorry,” he says, “the cap won’t fit on.”  He keeps clicking it and attempting to get the cap on.

38. I stand up and get the cap on and slam it back down on his desk.

39. I write my essay.  It was lovely, I think.

40. He clicks his pen one more time at the end and I turn around and whisper, “I am not even going to react” and he laughs and the bell rings and that’s that.

omg so awkward telling someone they’re super fucking annoying but putting it nicely by using words like “just a tiny bit” and “on the occasion” and “but maybe that’s just my bad mood” and “it’s not that bad” and “slightly”.

life’s just AWESOME right now and i don’t know how it could get any better

i need a hobby